The Egg and the bug

Sometimes I get so suffocated of being inside that it makes me a spoilsport
I turn sad and boring and I walk along with my friends while they joke and laugh around thinking of ways to escape myself and sometimes
which is most of the times
I simply cancel the plans and sleep on my bed
creating stories in my head
if I were to actually be out and watch that movie with them
and it is at such a time
that I turn to my constant company- words
and I find solace in the fact that I will never bore my words or sadden them with my presence
never be the liability that I am, always
the rotten egg
the bedbug

-out-

Page 23, backside

“Is it okay if I talk right now?
No no, it’s alright if you’re busy with your assignments! I-just. Well.

I minimize the Word document on my screen and walk out into the balcony for a better network.

It’s a sunny pre-winter morning. My skater dress stinks of raw eggs and smokes, the same as my unwashed hair and chapped lips; days haven’t been as fun as ‘last days’ should typically be.
There are no birds in the sky; no clouds, no sign of art.
Just plain overwhelming blue.

“She asked your uncle if he was her older brother…
She asked me about you, though. And your dad.

“You uncle was suggested to admit her in Geriatric care. I vehemently denied!

“I don’t want to do to her, what she did to your uncles and me.

“What? Are you even listening? I told you earlier, it’s okay…it’s okay if you’re busy. I’ll call later.

Something slips down my throat and I try very hard to hold onto it, pulling and tugging at it, gnawing my chipped nails into its vastness.
It goes down and down all the way to my guts and I know it’s going to hibernate there for sometime before disrupting my insides- turning them upside down inside out left right shredded minced eaten with a side of no guilt

“It’s funny though. She’s making everybody at home laugh with her revamped relationships.

“Do you think you can make it here? To take care of- hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Listen- hello! Hello? Ca
n
Y
ou list
en Hell
o?
?

It’s hot and warm and kind of putrid
The blue is getting drenched in orange and green and a mix of purple with anxiety

“Hel
lo
?”

I’ve always feared one thing in life: what if I forget all the love we shared, without a hint of sadness?
All these memories gone poof woosh
in an instant
like a broken Polaroid camera with a working film

What if I just forget us? You and I?
I would have no self reproach left either, you see

Blue’s gone. It’s all purple now.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

“Didi! Oye didi!

My body jerks out of control and I leap to my feet, rushing to open the door.

“I have been calling out to you since the last ten minutes! What are you upto?

“What?
She laughs so hard, I forget that I had never earlier seen her even smile.

“Who sleeps-

“Who sleeps in the washroom?!

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Outside, there’s a mob of students, some screaming, most staring at each other.

“You suppose we should go and check it out?
yeah, we should. You never know, it might just be an acquaintance of yours.

His walk is swift and engineered to perfection like that of a charming man, deceptive of the muchness inside. He stops at the door and motions for me to come over.

“Of all the people there, how many do you recognise?

“None? Are you sure? Look carefully.

His lips curl up mischievously.

“I know no one too. But somehow…
the idea that someone somewhere might be hurt pulls us to them.
Now, imagine, if we gathered like this every time someone was hurting mentally.
It’d be such a wonderful society.”

……………………………………………………………………………………..

“Your article on that accident got published on the second page. You can be content now.

“Also, what are you doing this eveni- oh! Why do you always look so surprised when I ask you out for a date?

“I know I know, you’re not into women. Relax.

She chuckles and I lose my shit.

“I’m just trying to be a good boss, that’s all. You know of the amended sexual harassment clause, right? Don’t go soft on me, if needed!

She chuckles like a pig and that hot warm putrid thing inside of me slowly starts slipping further down my anus

Oh fuck oh fuck what the fuck

“Hey? You alright? How’s your grandmother at home? What did the medical report say?

oh my fucking fuck what is this slimy things why is this inside of me how is it making me so purple and claustrophobic I think oh fuck oh my good lord

“Alzheimer’s huh? Happens to most oldies. Don’t sweat it.

I heave out a sigh very close to an orgasm, a heavy heavy satisfied sigh

It’s out.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Page 23

“If you want to place this article here, you better hope the number of dead is much higher than what you’ve reported.

Her pen keeps hitting the wooden table, as if to silently disagree with her.

“Death has become cheap these days. You should know how much of it sells when.

Behind her are stacks of pleasantly folded newspapers, tied together with nylon ropes; on the table is the only embellishment- a framed photo of two people in love, hands over each other’s shoulders, smiling at the cameraperson as if it were their first photo together.

“Excuse me! I’m talking to you, here. I hope you’ve been listening.

“Good. Now that I have you attention, would you please go back to your fucking desk and make the necessary changes?! I’m running a newspaper, not an editing module in high school.

I walk out, 20% perplexed, 40% embarrassed.

“And hey! What are you doing today evening?

“Why are you looking at me like that for? I’m just asking you. You can always say no.

“Great. It’s a date then; tell me when you’re about to leave office.”

Unlike her desk, mine resembles an average 20year olds’; there are pens lying all over-chewed upon and out of ink; papers with doodles are slid between unevenly colored folders; the computer is on sleep mode, and the mouse is lost within all the mayhem inside my head.

The draft is in my hand, the ink smearing its love over my stiffened palms, forgotten by my brain that’s trying very hard to recognise the people from the photo on her table.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Didi! Oye didi!

My body jerks out of control and I leap to my feet, rushing to open the door.

“I have been calling out to you since the last ten minutes! What are you upto?

“What?
She laughs so hard, I forget that I had never earlier seen her even smile.

“Who sleeps-

“Who sleeps in the washroom?!

Her laugh makes me happy so I simply smile and fold the ends of my pants down.

“Didi. Is possible for you to increase my salary by a few hundreds…

“Oh, it’s okay.  It’s just that my husband died last evening, and you know how Komal is about to start school in a few months.

“No, no, didi, please don’t apologise. I’ll find more work somewhere. The maid at the South Indian aunty’s home downstairs fled away with their money a few days back na, maybe I can find some work- what?

Him? Oh, he came under a truck; he was too drunk to see where he was walking!

Komal. Komal.
The words are confined to my ears.
Komal. He came under
a truck
Kom
truck
Okay
it’s okay
don’t apologise
Komal
okay
it’s okay

Fuck.
Oh fuck, the water hits my skin too intensely; I wipe it off on the sleeves of my T shirt and look at the mirror.

Two eyes and a large nose stare back at me, blandly.

Fuck.
Truck
he came under
a truck
it’s okay
I need
money
Komal Komal

The words are overflowing into my thoughts

Fuck.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“The ‘Thugee system’ has always been an integral part of Indian culture. For the thugs, death was much beyond destruction, it was a process. Not a religious or a cultural process, mind you, but a process to balance the world. They believed in

His pen keeps hitting the wooden table, as if to silently disagree with him.

“You must understand that this system crumbled because of the British colonialism. They systematically wiped off this artwork.

He suddenly drops his pen and looks out of the window.

“Oh, now what?! Another accident? They need to do something about these potholes, you know.

Outside, there’s a mob of students, some screaming, most staring at each other.

“You suppose we should go and check it out?
yeah, we should. You never know, it might just be an acquaintance of yours.

His walk is swift and engineered to perfection like that of a charming man, deceptive of the muchness inside. He stops at the door and motions for me to come over.

“Of all the people there, how many do you recognise?

“None? Are you sure? Look carefully.

His lips curl up mischievously.

“I know no one too. But somehow…
the idea that someone somewhere might be hurt pulls us to them.
Now, imagine if we gathered like this every time someone was hurting mentally.
It’d be such a wonderful society.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

( will be continued soon)